We were on our second or third date... I don't remember which it was. We were driving through the foggy night towards Palos Verdes. He wanted to sit at the cliffs and admire the ocean and spend some time together. I remember it was really foggy and I wondered to myself how we would see anything with all this fog. The roads were windy and he was driving like a maniac. I held on to my door handle all the way there.
I wasn't talking much. But it didn't matter. The Austrian, I was learning, could talk enough for both of us. He could run his mouth until his mouth ran out, it seemed... but I didn't mind, because I'd had a dream the night before, vivid as if it were real. One of those dreams that come to me occasionally... The kind where I usually don't know the people or places, then years later, they appear in my "awake" life like a deja vu.
I had this dream. It was pretty simple. I saw a little girl run past me, squealing, giggling, shreiking, her honey colored skin, dripping water everywhere, her curly shoulder length hair loose and flying everywhere. She zipped past me and I heard him shout out, "Lou-Lou! Come back here! I'm trying to comb your hair!" I heard a door slam down the hall and muffled giggles, as the Austrian came bumbling past me, wide-toothed comb in one hand, towel in the other, face red with frustration, "BABE! Why didn't you stop her!" I felt myself shrug, "I'm having too much fun!" I said. He stomped past, grumbling and huffing and puffing down the hallway toward the shut door. "I'm counting to 3 Lou-Lou! Come Ooooonnnnn! 1....2..."
That's all I remembered when I woke up the next morning. I thought to myself, that it was just a dream. But I couldn't get it out of my mind all day. When he called me in the afternoon to confirm when he'd pick me up for the date, I was unusually quiet because I didn't want to tell him about this dream and it was freaking me out a little. I managed to keep it to myself til we parked the car at the cliffs that night. We were sitting there and it was ridiculous because not only was it foggy outside... after we managed to kiss our way through the first five minutes of sitting there, it was also foggy INSIDE the car. There was no view, there was nothing but fog. We couldn't see a thing. So there was nothing to do but look at each other.
He would stare at me with his big green eyes. I was fascinated, because they sparkled a little too much. Like cartoon eyes... like in a 50's television commercial for a dishwashing liquid where they show how clean the dishes are by inserting an artficial sparkle into the film and a "DING!" sound effect. That was his eyes. He just stared at me. Not talking for a very long time once we stopped kissing, then decided to drive further down the road to find a clearer spot. As soon as the car left that spot, it spilled out of me and I told him about that dream.
We talked about it with amusement for a bit. But for the most part, we put that away for the last 5 years, only remembering in random moments where we'd be telling someone the story of how we started to be "US". We didn't really talk about it because things changed. Life happened and we got to know each other and got about the business of building a relationship. No time for silly dreams. We had a lot of building to do. So much so, that there was not even a consideration of any part of that dream happening... no plan for it, not even a conversation.
Even though we'd like them to remain.
That's the only thing that stays the same.
Just when you get comfortable and sit back in your chair there's someone rearranging the room.
The chair's no longer there.
Life is full of twists and many turns.
Every day there's something new to learn.
Just after one door is shut, another opens wide, revealing opportunity just on the other side.
The night eventually turns into day.
No situation's here to stay.
Just as you decide you might not ever love again, someone comes and knocks you off your feet and then
There goes that pain.
I remember writing those lyrics many years ago. Sort of a nursery rhyme to the child in me who feared change most desperately because before the age of 10 my parents divorce, schools changed, homes changed (more than once), people changed, economics changes, everything changed, and none of it at all felt pleasant or positive or good to my young heart. My fear of change stuck with me into adulthood and attached an annex which housed an obsession with time passing. So there I was paralyzed by a fear of change, watching time pass me by (from a linear perspective), and being perpetually devastated by this. It was a complex harmony of misery.
At this stage in my life, I've found plenty of ways to get around those voices in my head that made me live like that and managed to actually DO something with myself. I've had a successful career as a makeup artist. I was a good wife in my first marriage. I AM a good mother to my son, the Pyrate. I am a good writer, song-writer, and some say, I'm a good singer too. I am a good wife to the Austrian, the man I married six months ago in July. I am a friend to many. I'm proud of these things... especially with the knowledge that it was never easy for me. Nothing was ever easy because of those voices. But I learned how to work around them. This was a necessity with the Austrian in my life. The Austrian is a shapeshifter... He has become 3 or 4 different people over the years we've been together, upgrading each time. Yes, child, I said UPGRADING. So I had to get used to change and learn how to enjoy it!
I know it seems like I'm rambling. This is one of those blogs that I don't know how to edit down to the important stuff because it all feels really urgently important to me in the moment. If this inconveniences you, please forgive my self indulgence, but patronize me long enough to read the whole thing because I think it's important to share it with you.
There's no real way to start this story. That's why I'm this far into it, and haven't said what it's about. It just is what it is. In the last ten days, the Austrian, the Pyrate, and I found out we were pregnant, then lost the baby. That's how my new year started. Yeah.
Back around the third week of December I'd been sick... nauseous off and on for about a week. If you follow me on twitter, facebook, or myspace, you may remember that, and you might even be one of the smarties who quickly assumed I was pregnant and publicly stated your suspicions in response to my tweets. In my house, we were not even thinking about such things. Holiday preparations were in full production. We were trying really hard to get everything done, and all I could think was, "Why do I have to get sick NOOOOWWW?????" Well, after about 10 people mentioned pregnancy it was getting harder to ignore, and I told the Austrian that people thought I was pregnant and wasn't that funny? We had a laugh and kept going. The next day, there were more messages to that effect, and I showed them to him. He smiled and mumbled something sideways that I couldn't quite make out. But I saw something in his face... a softness... a shy smile... a hesitant truth. I called him on it... "You want a baby?" He blushed, "Welllll.... I don't know... I mean... I'm changing again, and I have to believe..." I interrupted him and stood up, put my hands on my hips, head tilted to one side in bewilderment. "You want a baby? Seriously?" He smiled some more, and said, "I believe if that's what God has planned for us, then, yes, I would like that very much. Besides, what about Lou-Lou?" I was stunned. No. I was floored. We had several long, revealing talks about the subject about my concerns. He was sure. He made a list of promises, vows to put my concerns to rest, and begged me to not worry.
The next day, when he came home from work, he brought a pregnancy test, so that we could first put to rest the possibility that I was already pregnant. The test was negative. But there were two sticks in the package and we decided to check it again right before Christmas because not enough time had passed since my last period apparently.
Then the nausea went away.... and we assumed all the fuss was for nothing, and put it away, long enough to get through the holidays.
I started to feel sick again right after Christmas. Belly aches, dizzy spells, long bouts of fatigue, unplanned 4 hour naps in the middle of the day... and by then, I realized, I'd missed a period. I remembered that we still had that extra tester, and hadn't used it. So on January 5th, while the Austrian was at work, I took the second test.
You're supposed to pee on this little stick and wait something like 10 minutes for some blue lines in a little window. If there's one line, it's negative and either it's too early or you're not pregnant. If it's two crossed blue lines, you are pregnant. So I peed on the darn stick. I sat there and stared at it. Before even a minute passed, the blue cross in the little diamond shaped window was staring back at me plain as day. Plain as day. I sat there anyway, waiting for it to change back maybe. Wondering if it was defective. It was the most bizarre thing. I felt like I was in a movie scene.
When the Austrian got home, I handed him the test stick and waited to see his response.
The rest of this story will be in a second blog later today. (click "second blog" to go to part two)